ERNIE AND BERT ACQUIRED BY MOROONS IN BLOCKBUSTER TRADE.

EAST VANCOUVER- Sources close to the Moroons front office have confirmed that a deal to acquire both Ernie and Bert will be finalized later today. Delaying the official announcement is Bert's apparent reluctance to submit to the standard doctor's physical examination. It has long been rumoured that Bert is a "never nude" - a person with an irrational fear of being completely naked - and team officials are scrambling to arrange a "non-invasive" exam.

Also complicating the deal are the numerous pre-conditions that have been standard in all the duo's contracts dating back to their rookie season in 1969. For example, Ernie and Bert must room with each other on the road (and at home) and be provided with facilities for a private post-game bath in lieu of a shower. Ernie prefers the team dressing room to be filled with colourful balloons and chocolate cake must be available to him on the bench during games. Bert must be allowed to keep pigeons in his room and will only use figure skates.

The playing careers of the enigmatic duo have been in limbo since they failed to report to the Sesame Street senior club, the Killing Machines, during training camp this September. Going the other way in the deal are the rights to Simon Nemeth, Sid 'the Kid' Shapiro, and Jim Struick. "We're mortgaging our future for a couple of fruity over-the-hill puppets," admitted GM and team founder Patrick Grayer, "but on this team, they might be able to help."

- with files from D'Shonte Shatzmueller